Much Ado about Buffy
by Peter Cowan
Summary: First the Silent Movie, then the Musical, now "Shakespeare"


Disclaimers - Sunnydale and all therein doth belong to the noble Joss Whedon and diverse others.  
  
  
  
Much Ado about Buffy  
  
Dramatis Personae  
  
Buffy - The Slayer Willow - A witch of her acquaintance  
  
Xander - A clown  
  
Giles- The Watcher Spike - A vampire  
  
Tara - Consort of Willow  
  
Anya - An ex-demon Riley - Significant other of the Slayer  
  
Marius, Cassius and Lurcio - Three vampires  
  
Divers vampires and people  
  
Prologue  
  
Spi: Consider gentles all, a strange lad beyond the girdle of great  
  
ocean. A land of wonders and of imagination. Where dark forces exist and  
  
noble heroes do strive and contend against them. Close your eyes and drift  
  
away to the land of Sunnydale  
  
Scene 1:  
  
A cemetery in Sunnydale  
  
  
  
Enter Buffy and vampire fighting  
  
  
  
Vamp: Most well do you fight, girl  
  
But I wager tonight  
  
Shall see thy blood be mine drink  
  
  
  
Buf: Thou talkest too much, knave  
  
Thy prattle grows exceeding wearisome  
  
Come let us make an end  
  
  
  
Vamp: Girl, come let us do and let me finish you  
  
Thou shalt not be so bold  
  
As weeping with fear and trembling  
  
Thy life in my hands I hold  
  
And feel thy hearts blood coursing through my veins  
  
  
  
Buf: Fie upon you knave and cease thy boast  
  
For thou has made great error and thy mistake  
  
shalt be most point'dly made clear  
  
  
  
Vamp: O woe, I am wounded unto the heart  
  
And so to dust I must depart  
  
  
  
He vanishes in a puff of dust.  
  
Enter Giles  
  
  
  
Gil: O most elegantly done, gentle Buffy  
  
That darksome creature has gone  
  
Screaming into that void prepared for it  
  
By its most hateful master.  
  
And so, once more the noble town of Sunnydale  
  
Can wake anew, refesh'd in the light of noble sun.  
  
  
  
Buf: Noble Giles, thy praise is most welcome  
  
And thine aid this night most seemly.  
  
But soft, the night is young and I feel the need for  
  
companions  
  
Shall we not repair to a place of meeting  
  
And thereby acquaint them of our doings  
  
Thereby disposing of their fears  
  
  
  
Gil: Well said and let us make it so  
  
Together, to the Bronze we go  
  
  
  
Exeunt  
  
  
  
Scene 2  
  
  
  
A dank cave under Sunnydale. A table with arcane markings is there  
  
  
  
Enter Marius, Cassius and Lurcio  
  
  
  
Mar: So are we resolved to this course  
  
  
  
Cas & Lur: We are  
  
  
  
Mar: Then shall we assemble the demons of the nether regions  
  
And call them forth to aid our enterprise  
  
And spread dark evil over this land  
  
  
  
Cas: I call upon dark magicks to aid us  
  
And to assist this action  
  
  
  
Lur: Foul beasts of the land and sea  
  
I beg you hearken to my call  
  
And lend thine aid  
  
And thy malevolent aspect  
  
  
  
All: So that we may gain strength  
  
So that we may gain puissance mighty  
  
So that we three may go forth and dare  
  
To kill the Slayer  
  
  
  
Mar: The conditions are right, the very stars  
  
Do proclaim in their astral vaults  
  
That this night great deeds shall be done  
  
  
  
Lur: Yea, I have seen omens of fire and darkness  
  
Of open'd graves wailing  
  
And owls screeching in the night  
  
  
  
Cas: In sooth, it must be so.  
  
But great deeds must need be accompanied by great hazard  
  
Not lightly do we attempt this  
  
  
  
Mar: Not lightly, no. But to achieve our object  
  
Would enlighten our hearts  
  
And we wouldst garner a plenitude of adulation.  
  
So brothers, let us with unseemly haste depart  
  
  
  
Lur: Aye let us leave. My desire is to separate the Slayer from her  
  
life  
  
  
  
Cas: And plunge this town into infernal strife  
  
  
  
Exeunt  
  
  
  
Scene 3  
  
The Bronze  
  
Enter Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya  
  
  
  
Wil: The night is calm and yet I feel a chill  
  
As if some evil brews  
  
And is poised to spill darkly over this fair town  
  
Good Tara, come close and encomfort me in thine arms  
  
That this chill be dispersed by thy warmth  
  
  
  
Tar: Come gentle Willow, be not dismayed.  
  
I spy goodman Xander and lady Anya.  
  
They do approach our table.  
  
Shall we not make them welcome  
  
  
  
Wil: Ho, Xander, Anya. Pray tarry with us awhile  
  
  
  
Xan: Ho Willow, Tara,  
  
  
  
Any: Greetings gentles all  
  
  
  
Wil: What brings thee to our bower.  
  
Xander. Hast thou tidings of our friend Buffy  
  
I fear for her, this night is of evil aspect  
  
and my prognostications foretell doom  
  
  
  
Xan: Fear not goodlady Willow, for Buffy has been victorious this  
  
night  
  
And will soon repair to this hostelry  
  
And enjoy merry frolic and partake  
  
In the diversions of this night.  
  
  
  
Wil: You ease my heart noble Xander  
  
But still I fear  
  
For the moon in the house of Leo doth portend  
  
Dark deeds and foul business  
  
  
  
Tar: Aye an it be so. My lady Willow doth speak true  
  
For I too have seen these signs  
  
And others which carry evil portent  
  
I too fear that this night might be dark and noisome  
  
And worry lest day itself shall flee the horror  
  
  
  
Any: Come Xander, let us flee this place  
  
And seek solace in each other's arms  
  
As we await the dire fate of this dark night  
  
  
  
Xan: Nay, Anya, let it not be so.  
  
We shall not depart and in so doing leave  
  
Our bosom companions to a deadly fate  
  
We shall stay and with them confront  
  
The minions of apocalypse  
  
And with their aid, avert it  
  
As we have done oftimes before.  
  
  
  
Wil: Thou art most gracious noble Xander  
  
  
  
Tar: Well spoken brave Xander  
  
  
  
Any: Oh Xander, I do believe that reason hast fled thy mind  
  
But for thy sake and that of thy companions  
  
I shall stay and with thee oppose  
  
This doom approaching us  
  
  
  
Xan: Enow of this glum talk my friends  
  
Hark, the musicians hath begun a merry tune  
  
What say we dance our cares away  
  
Come Anya, shalt thou partner me in this  
  
  
  
They dance.  
  
  
  
Muscians; O the summer sun is shining  
  
And my gentle lass is singing  
  
With a nonny nonny no  
  
Of her love for me so burning  
  
And of her endless yearning  
  
With a nonny nonny no  
  
She sings of me so sweetly  
  
I run to her most fleetly  
  
With a nonny nonny no  
  
  
  
Enter Buffy and Riley  
  
  
  
Buf: How now friends. How goes it tonight  
  
  
  
Ril: Well met nobles all.  
  
  
  
Wil, Tar,Xan , Any: Ho goodlady Buffy and puissant Riley  
  
  
  
Wil: Hail Buffy. I was afeard as omens of dark doom  
  
Have been seen abroad and a mighty evil  
  
Is abroad this night in Sunnydale.  
  
  
  
Buf; It may be so, gentle Will.  
  
For Giles didst read in his books arcane  
  
Of a dark power seeking to extend its dominion  
  
Engulfing this fair town in black evil.  
  
  
  
Ril: But nobly, didst Buffy declare unto Master Giles that such  
  
evil would be stopped.  
  
So we hastened to this place to forewarn you  
  
And of those resolved to assist Buffy  
  
To seek thine aid  
  
  
  
Wil: Yea, I and kind Tara shalt perform spells  
  
And create wards of potency to protect us  
  
Come Tara, let us about our work.  
  
  
  
Exeunt Willow and Tara  
  
  
  
Any: Xander, I am much afeared.  
  
What little I can do against such dark power  
  
I shall do but my heart says it will not avail  
  
  
  
Xan; Nay gentle Anya. For I shall be with you  
  
And I shall mock this foul evil  
  
Afore I take us to a place of shelter  
  
Wherein we shall plot divers schemes  
  
And so against the dark prevail  
  
  
  
Exeunt Xander and Anya  
  
  
  
Ril: So our plans are set in motion  
  
Now blind fate shall play his game  
  
  
  
Buf; Aye and in this game are we but pawns  
  
  
  
Ril: Nay, say not pawns. Rather knights, bishops, castles  
  
And thee, good Buffy, surely thou art the Queen.  
  
  
  
Buf; You have a goodly tongue Sir Riley  
  
For if I am Queen thou must be knight  
  
But Knight, Queen or no we are still pieces  
  
To be played with and when taken cast aside  
  
But now we must confront our fate  
  
Play this game and hope for mate.  
  
  
  
Exeunt  
  
  
  
Scene 4  
  
An open place  
  
  
  
Enter Spike  
  
  
  
Spi: Ah woe, woe, all is woe. Once I was feared like none other. The  
  
darkest portion of night afore the dawn was mine. I did mighty deeds and  
  
great evil but now I am lost, unmanned and impotent. Rendered juiceless by  
  
this evil curse. And yet, I feel within the stirrings of desire. In the  
  
moon, I see her face, the gentle moonbeams doth seem as kindly as her smile.  
  
The sweet falling dew is as her tenderness. The stars, o cursed star whose  
  
message doth presage doom, are as nothing to her eyes. And how long to  
  
sample the sweet caress of her lips against mine. For as my soul is lost, so  
  
am I now lost. Lost in her regard. And yet, she does not heed me. Her ev'ry  
  
action belittles me. Her voice , her so sweet voice, has nothing but disdain  
  
when she does deign to speak to me. Yet, I hang upon her ev'ry word, so  
  
smitten am I. Ev'ry touch , no matter that it hurts, is as the gentlest  
  
zephyr. Alas, woe is me.  
  
  
  
Exit  
  
Scene 5  
  
The same open place  
  
Enter Marius, Cassius and Lurcio  
  
  
  
Mar: Here is the place foretold.  
  
The powers are strong here  
  
I hear them whisper to me  
  
Telling of the doom foretold  
  
  
  
Cas: I too hear them, but whose doom they do not say  
  
  
  
Lur: Fie upon you, Cassius,  
  
The omens speak true  
  
Tonight the Slayer shall be slain  
  
And our dark master shall claim her soul  
  
And raven upon it as she suffers eternal torment  
  
  
  
Spi: (hiding in bushes) Nay, this cannot be. I must forewarn her that she  
  
does not approach this place. O lack a day, she comes.  
  
  
  
Enter Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara, Anya and Riley  
  
  
  
Buf: Oh ho, I see three creatures of ill aspect.  
  
Their presence dost befoul the very earth  
  
  
  
Xan: Verily it is so.  
  
Ho, demons, art thou not afraid  
  
For we have sent many of thy kind to damnation  
  
  
  
Mar: Silence rogue. Thy tongue is sharp  
  
But I wager my teeth are sharper  
  
  
  
Wil: Spirits of light, I implore thee  
  
Come  
  
  
  
Tar: Spirits of joy, I beseech thee  
  
Come  
  
  
  
Both: In thy name we beg protection  
  
  
  
Lur: Spirits of dark and shadow  
  
I set thee upon thine enemy  
  
Break their wards and deliver them  
  
Naked and helpless that I may feed  
  
  
  
Cas: I like this not. These magicks are awry  
  
And now all is in the balance  
  
  
  
Alarum  
  
  
  
Mar: So, Slayer, we meet at last  
  
And it is mete for this shall be our last  
  
For only one shall depart this place  
  
  
  
Buf: Thou hast a silver tongue  
  
For all thy hideous appearance  
  
  
  
Cas: So, young cur, thou talkest not so glib  
  
When faced with doom  
  
For thy insults I will reward thee  
  
With quick death  
  
  
  
Xan: Nay, foul demon.  
  
But I shall grant thee release from thy burden  
  
And toast thy demise  
  
  
  
Any: Ware Xander  
  
He is strong and mighty  
  
  
  
Lur: So witches, you defy my powers.  
  
Mayhap, your spell has drained you  
  
If not, then drained by me thou shalt be  
  
  
  
Spi: Alas, it goes ill. For in power they are overmatched by the  
  
dark. But hold, the witches have defeated their foe and haste to assist  
  
Xander. And the Slayer has now the leader down.  
  
  
  
Ril: Good Buffy, ware the demon.  
  
  
  
Buf: My thanks Sir Riley, but I have his measure  
  
And long on talk but short of measure is he  
  
Knave, thy time is done  
  
  
  
Mar: Alas, for the doom is mine  
  
  
  
Cas: I feared this might be so  
  
For prophecy is an uncertain guide  
  
Never certain is the sky  
  
Thus now, undead, I die  
  
  
  
Both vampires explode into dust  
  
  
  
Buf: Gentles all. We have prevailed  
  
Noisome dark has been assailed  
  
We ourselves stay hale and hearty  
  
So let us all go off and party  
  
  
  
Exeunt Omnes  
  
  
  
Spi: The valiant troupe, its battle done, has departed. And now our play is finished. Good gentles all it remains for me to say I hope you enjoyed and have a nice day. 


End file.
